Reality tv. Sigh…

I really hate reality tv, and don’t want to bore you senseless by going into a sprawling tirade of bile about how i’d rather boil my eyes and my balls than watch the kind of fetid plop made by-and-for people with full frontal lobotomies, and how everything that’s gone wrong with society since the decline of the British Empire including fascism and communism was directly caused by ITV, and…

Well, there I go.

Even people like me, who consider reality tv to be the embodiment of the Eight Deadly Sins (the eighth being Irritating People), have to admit that some reality tv is better than others.

Let’s take the X Factor as an example of better reality tv. The people with talent generally rise to the top, and deservedly so.

That’s fine. But apparently it’s not enough, which leads us to the nub of this gist.

Somewhere along the line, someone came along with a great talent and a sad story, and it made great tv. When the people behind the scenes twigged this they went at it like a randy dog at a footstool.

So now we have professional tear-jerkers looming backstage to interview the contestants. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Their sole job seems to be to gradually break down a person’s psyche until all they can do is blubber “It’s the most importan’ (*sniff*) fing in the world to me”.

And they’re very good at it, too. If you think about it, they only have 20 seconds or so to introduce the person, explain the back-story, convince the person that winning is more important than they originally thought, and get them to weep like a baby.

If you’ve tried it on as many people as I have, you’ll know it’s pretty tough. I imagine pro tear-jerkers have tricks of the trade. Here are my guesses for the top 5 Tricks For Getting X Factor Contestants To Cry:

1 – They look appalled when the contestant says something minor, and then keep probing, e.g:

“That’s funny, I can’t seem to find my lemonade…”

“Oh my gosh – did your dying mum give you that lemonade?”

“Um, no… I got it from that machine over there.”

“Oh… oh yeah, that machine fell on top of a baby once…”

2 – Whilst interviewing, they are tearing up a picture of the contestant and mouthing the words “you’re worthless”

3 – They are jabbing the contestant in the genitals with a pen off-camera.

4 – They are slowly lowering a sack of puppies into a bath. Obviously also off-camera.

5 – The interviewer looks like this.

It seems that we, the dribbling public, are no longer capable of investing ourselves emotionally in a performance without first being coaxed into investing emotionally in the performer.

Case in Point: Hollyoaks/Sound of Music. This bird turns up in Hollyoaks and is desperate to play Maria in The Sound of Music. The show follows her dramatic attempts to get the part, and then when she eventually gets it we find out she’s actually a Sylvia Young-ling, she had the part before and the whole Hollyoaks thing was essentially marketing.

As my American friends would say, are you freaking kidding me?

Never mind that Summer Strallen sings like a mewling cat (no, I’m not being a ponce, I went and saw her and the 8-year-old Von Trapp girl wiped the floor with her, as did the 50 or so extra nuns who had clearly been brought in for no other reason than to remind the audience what singing sounds like), that’s not the point.

The point is that stunts like this, as well as programmes like “I’d Do Anything To Solve A Problem Like How To Get You Annoying Bastards Off My Television”, imply by their very existence that the theatre show, in and of itself, is not strong enough to maintain a reliable audience.

So you need to have witnessed the hard work and heartache of the person who finally lands the lead role, because apparently the lead role is not enough of an engaging character to keep your interest.

What about all the people who land lead roles without winning gameshows? What about the people who’ve studied their craft, and nail it every night in a supporting role to some tit who’s only qualification for being there is that they were slightly less crap than the rest of the preening dolts that applied to go on a tv show? I wonder how many people who apply for these shows are failed West-End auditionees?

Sorry – I’m going on a bit, and I may be being a bit harsh, but if I was a hard-working west-end performer (and I know some of you are), I’d resent the hell out of the little turds.

Or maybe I’m totally wrong. Maybe these shows are fantastic, and we should broaden their scope to other careers.

Imagine how delighted we’d all be if, whilst sitting in a plane ready for take-off, we discovered that our well-trained pilot had been replaced at the last minute by Darren, the ex gas engineer from Basildon. Despite his complete lack of training, you are comforted by the fact that he won 68% of the nation’s vote as you plummet to your doom.

Perhaps there are some other cracking formats out there – Here are a few of my own snappy ideas:

I’m A Celebrity, Tied To Another Celebrity, Tied To A Wasp’s Nest

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Revolving Knives?

Strictly Come Seal Clubbing

I’d Do Anything To Get These Lions To Calm Down

Celebrity Limb Swap

Rabies Island

I can’t give the Media’s Emo-Pimps zero out of ten, because they are so successful at what they do – they set out to make people watch and vote, and that’s what they get. Other than that, they can kiss my bottom.